So there are some positives and negatives regarding the process I am going through. Positive I am feeling better. Positive my appetite is lower. Positive I do not cry for no apparent reason. Positive I am up early in the morning on the weekends. (It is amazing what you can get done at 8 AM!)
Negative I am up in the morning on the weekends. Negative I wake up every 2 hours like clockwork. Negative really nothing tastes good but chocolate. Some of you would say that is a positive. (50/50 on that one). Negative about 8 pm I wind down. (The wonder drug is only 12 hours!)
So I am surviving on about 4 hrs of sleep lately. Luckily I am married to a saint who believes napping is not a big deal.
It is a struggle but I am discovering and returning to things that use to make me happy. If you need some jewelry let me know - that is my new obsession!!!
My part time job helps a lot - it is amazing how carthartic a few hours of 70's and 80's music can be. Even if sometimes it makes me say "What the?!"
I am getting there kids and it feels good.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Little souvenir
It is amazing how carthartic revisiting some of the music that you cut your teeth on can be. I have been addicted to my little iPod since I bought it. Thankfully others have caught on. A recent gift gave me free reign to the tune of $30. I have music from my early radio years and songs that make me think of my first love.
Songs that make me smile and cry. And think ... how lucky I am to have memories so wonderful that just a few chords of song brings it back.
I had someone who I admired for a long time but whom I thought did not think of much of me recently say - you should stick w/radio and music - it's in your soul.
The more I travel around through my musical memory I guess it is. I know this probably all sounds incredibly trite and maybe a little conceited... but I think it is true.
I could never play music but I have always loved it. I only hope when I have kids they will love music as much as I do. My Dad from an early age taught me all music is good music because it is. You should never be a music snob you might miss out on something great. While other kids my age were listening to top 40 my Dad was "torturing me" with the Band, The Hair soundtrack, the Beatles, and The Pretenders. (don't' get me wrong I sneaked in my top 40 pop) My Dad relented and bought me a Duran Duran album. :) This mindset has given me some great music.
I guess what I am saying in a terribly long way is this... it is nice to have something besides a pill to make me feel good. It almost hurts it is so great. I cherish my hours when I am not beholden to anyone and can slip on my ear buds or turn on a cd player. That is probably why I love my part time job so much.4-5 hours surrounded by music and memories.
Right now some favorites:
Howie Day - Collide
Gwen Stefani - Underneath it All (Reggae version)
Anything by the New Pornographers
The Sundays
Elton John - Tiny Dancer
Chaka Khan - Tell me Something Good...
The list goes on.
Songs that make me smile and cry. And think ... how lucky I am to have memories so wonderful that just a few chords of song brings it back.
I had someone who I admired for a long time but whom I thought did not think of much of me recently say - you should stick w/radio and music - it's in your soul.
The more I travel around through my musical memory I guess it is. I know this probably all sounds incredibly trite and maybe a little conceited... but I think it is true.
I could never play music but I have always loved it. I only hope when I have kids they will love music as much as I do. My Dad from an early age taught me all music is good music because it is. You should never be a music snob you might miss out on something great. While other kids my age were listening to top 40 my Dad was "torturing me" with the Band, The Hair soundtrack, the Beatles, and The Pretenders. (don't' get me wrong I sneaked in my top 40 pop) My Dad relented and bought me a Duran Duran album. :) This mindset has given me some great music.
I guess what I am saying in a terribly long way is this... it is nice to have something besides a pill to make me feel good. It almost hurts it is so great. I cherish my hours when I am not beholden to anyone and can slip on my ear buds or turn on a cd player. That is probably why I love my part time job so much.4-5 hours surrounded by music and memories.
Right now some favorites:
Howie Day - Collide
Gwen Stefani - Underneath it All (Reggae version)
Anything by the New Pornographers
The Sundays
Elton John - Tiny Dancer
Chaka Khan - Tell me Something Good...
The list goes on.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Shocking what happens when...
You can't get a prescription refilled. I had a nervous breakdown. Knowing that I have become dependent on a little pill. When I was told I am not be able to get it well chaos. :)
I am still waiting to hear if they are going to deny me.
It is not so much the pill itself but the freedom it represents.
If I don't get it will be like starting over, and sad as it seems I have come far. Without it I will be going back not forward.
Keep your fingers crossed...
I am still waiting to hear if they are going to deny me.
It is not so much the pill itself but the freedom it represents.
If I don't get it will be like starting over, and sad as it seems I have come far. Without it I will be going back not forward.
Keep your fingers crossed...
Thursday, January 26, 2006
So this is me...
Guilt does crazy things to people.
Worrying about what people think does the same.
Society doesn't help much either.
Certain things can not be solved by saying just cheer up or pick yourself up by your bootstraps and chin up, etc....
Unfortunately sometimes there isn't a wonder drug.
We don't tell people who have diabetes to just get better, we say take care of yourself, change your diet, have you seen your doctor?
We are very concerned.
When it is depression we tend to think you can just make it go away. There must have been something horrible in your past to make you this way.
I wish I could and that there was. It would make all of this make a lot more sense to me then it does.
To those I love I am sorry if you can't understand or I may have made you feel bad. Right now this is just me. I am doing what I can but unfortunately right now it is not enough.
I know I will get better, just think it is going to get worse first.
Worrying about what people think does the same.
Society doesn't help much either.
Certain things can not be solved by saying just cheer up or pick yourself up by your bootstraps and chin up, etc....
Unfortunately sometimes there isn't a wonder drug.
We don't tell people who have diabetes to just get better, we say take care of yourself, change your diet, have you seen your doctor?
We are very concerned.
When it is depression we tend to think you can just make it go away. There must have been something horrible in your past to make you this way.
I wish I could and that there was. It would make all of this make a lot more sense to me then it does.
To those I love I am sorry if you can't understand or I may have made you feel bad. Right now this is just me. I am doing what I can but unfortunately right now it is not enough.
I know I will get better, just think it is going to get worse first.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
2 AM and I am hungry...
Just got done w/work and I am starving!!! Of course I did not realized McDonald's is open 24 hrs. This is still a new concept to me. Fast food this late. Perkins open late - Taco Bell open late, McDonald's boggles the mind. :)
I have today/tomorrow off and plan to continue my power cleaning. There is something rewarding to coming home to clean house. Also it means you can be lazier somewhere else done the line.
I had to provide my radio boss w/more stuff about me for my radio bio. I am so bad at that stuff. My normal response to something that may surprise you about me: I have tattoos. Not really something you can say at my station. Which I completely understand. :)
I am having a lot of fun and have been bringing some great music. Like Rickie Lee Jones and Yes. The 70's aren't all about KC and the Sunshine Band and the like. I got to play the Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Elton John and last week Lynrd Skynard. I play the Allman band, Kiss and my personal favorite Wild Cherry. I feel guilty that I get paid.
Speaking of tattoos I have finally decided w/the support of my wonderful husband to get a tattoo somewhere I don't have to pull off clothing to show. It is something I have wanted to do for awhile but have worried about what others might think. A trait my husband is trying to get me to work on . I have said it before I like my dog am a people pleaser.
Right now though I need to please myself and my tummy :)
I have today/tomorrow off and plan to continue my power cleaning. There is something rewarding to coming home to clean house. Also it means you can be lazier somewhere else done the line.
I had to provide my radio boss w/more stuff about me for my radio bio. I am so bad at that stuff. My normal response to something that may surprise you about me: I have tattoos. Not really something you can say at my station. Which I completely understand. :)
I am having a lot of fun and have been bringing some great music. Like Rickie Lee Jones and Yes. The 70's aren't all about KC and the Sunshine Band and the like. I got to play the Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Elton John and last week Lynrd Skynard. I play the Allman band, Kiss and my personal favorite Wild Cherry. I feel guilty that I get paid.
Speaking of tattoos I have finally decided w/the support of my wonderful husband to get a tattoo somewhere I don't have to pull off clothing to show. It is something I have wanted to do for awhile but have worried about what others might think. A trait my husband is trying to get me to work on . I have said it before I like my dog am a people pleaser.
Right now though I need to please myself and my tummy :)
Friday, January 20, 2006
Mother Trucker...
So how in the world do I put myself in these situations?
I somehow screwed up my budget... by about $100 ... something is going to get rubbery I think.
I think my mind has just been everywhere but where it needs to be. I have an apt. next week and I'm a little afraid. There is a lot I want and need to talk about just not sure how to bring it up or share it or any of it...
I know I need to but it's hard.
Sad that it is easier to type on a blog accessed by millions...
I somehow screwed up my budget... by about $100 ... something is going to get rubbery I think.
I think my mind has just been everywhere but where it needs to be. I have an apt. next week and I'm a little afraid. There is a lot I want and need to talk about just not sure how to bring it up or share it or any of it...
I know I need to but it's hard.
Sad that it is easier to type on a blog accessed by millions...
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Slacking...
Have not been the most regular blogger lately.
Have been caught up in things this past week. Also it seems the weeks I visit w/my doctor I have a tendency not to feel comfortable blogging.
I think that whole fear of airing dirty laundry since it was so comfortable not too long ago.
I have been going through the whole process for over a month and as troublesome as this is to me it is working.
I can actually sleep without any sleep aids. (Through the night!)
I am learning how not to obsess and trying to not be compulsive.
Hard to do. I even obsess about the shape of my fingernails for Pete's sake!
Beth is back in New Orleans and definitely having some struggles there. I feel bad and powerless but unfortunately that is kind of how it is. All I can do is be there for her.
The biggest thing I have been dwelling on is the fact that one of my friends who is now finally in a relationship has just kind of written me off. Kind of sucks but I guess it was bound to happen. Right?
Well I have a 1/2 left of slacking need to go.
Have been caught up in things this past week. Also it seems the weeks I visit w/my doctor I have a tendency not to feel comfortable blogging.
I think that whole fear of airing dirty laundry since it was so comfortable not too long ago.
I have been going through the whole process for over a month and as troublesome as this is to me it is working.
I can actually sleep without any sleep aids. (Through the night!)
I am learning how not to obsess and trying to not be compulsive.
Hard to do. I even obsess about the shape of my fingernails for Pete's sake!
Beth is back in New Orleans and definitely having some struggles there. I feel bad and powerless but unfortunately that is kind of how it is. All I can do is be there for her.
The biggest thing I have been dwelling on is the fact that one of my friends who is now finally in a relationship has just kind of written me off. Kind of sucks but I guess it was bound to happen. Right?
Well I have a 1/2 left of slacking need to go.
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