Controversy

So... I got a Mommy tattoo. I swear the stencil was smaller than what I got. Maybe my back is smaller than I thought? Anyway, I like it. It's for me and Gabby. Someone I thought I would never have. So it's big but she is a huge part of my life. My parents are not pleased. They went so far as to say it looks like a "hootchie mama tattoo." Ironic considering my brother is covered in head to toe ink and they constantly talk about how cool it is.
Sometimes it's better just to keep things to yourself, especially when they for yourself.

Somedays

You just shouldn't watch or read the news. I am constantly baffled by the absolute cruelty of people.
I am going to go hug my daughter now.

Happy Baby = Happy Mommy

I love the weekends. It goes without saying you get to sleep in sort of... but you can just kick it. No schedule just go with the flow. We had a nice relaxing weekend. I am trying not to think about the fact that tomorrow is Monday and I have to go to work. I love my job but I really love being with Gabby. You can tell the difference between the days we work and the days we don't. She is just much happier on the weekends too.

We went to Olin park on Saturday and she just looked around and around. We were going to go to the Zoo but a home Badger game made parking impossible. Normally not a big deal but when you have a baby, hoofing it through rabid Badger fans - not an option.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my daughter?

My Saving Grace

Gabby Grace has literally become my little beacon in all this gloom and doom I have been feeling lately. She is simply amazing. She smiles when she sees me and hears my voice now. It is the most overwhelming feeling in the world. I literally run downstairs to the daycare when 11:30 rolls around during the work week. She has become my everything and I think initially I was really afraid of this happening, now I am starting to embrace it.
Chris and I are still working through some issues but the wonderful and terrible thing about my husband - he is stubborn. His stubbornness and refusal to give up has been a driver in us dealing with things we threw under the proverbial rug. I did finally say goodbye to the radio station, which is very bittersweet but right now is what needs to be done.
I have had some great talks with Beth, my friend Sarah, and my Mom. All three have been reminding me my emotions are OK and normal. I forget that sometimes because I get guilt when I think I might be behaving in a way that is selfish.
I know this will all work itself out, life always does. Besides I have a terrific reason for sorting through things - Double G.

At a Crossroads

I have been holding a lot of what I am about to type in. I apologize for it not being my typical happy rant about Gabby. However part of why blog is to vent.
Where to begin? I am terribly lonely and thankful for Gabby to distract me from it most days. What kills me is I have two friends literally 20 minutes away who never call and friends states away who always do.
I have been lying to myself, and maybe even you. I am happy on a few levels. I love being a Mom and a teacher. But I have been fighting this battle, stay in radio or go. I say I want to go because that is what my parents and Chris want to hear, but I want to stay. I like the cheesy 80's music and the people I work with. But Chris struggling with Gabby makes me afraid to go back.
Then there is Chris. I have changed so much about my life to make him happy but he has never done the same for me and it is taking it's toll on me. For Pete's sake he pitches a fit if I ask him to move his car so I can run an errand. I am starting to feel like maybe I did settle for safe. He never fights for me, surprises me, makes me feel like I am special. I shouldn't complain, he is a good guy who makes me laugh, but why do I feel like lately I have lost pieces of me?
Maybe it is all the hormones...
I have such a great thing in my life in Gabby, I guess I should suck the rest up.